it's been a while since i've really written anything worth writing but i still wanna do it. it's been a while since i purged my heart out. it's been a while since i've hugged my son who lives in Germany now....as long as his passport holds out. it's been a while since i put on a shit ton of make-up. it's been a while since i've eaten at a Really Nice restaurant. it's been a while since i read any other blogs on blogspot other than mine & G.'s.


more to come. it's been a while since i've felt this was important to do.

a measure of my emotional strength

i just made it thru Johnny Cash's 'Would You Lay With Me' ALL THE WAY THRU without crying!! Ha! i sang the whole damn song...especially the "...wipe the blood away from my dying hand....."  part and didn't break down like i Always do. which means i can measure just how strong i've gotten in the last three years or so....i gauge my okayness on the eviction date stamp and the restraining order that is about to expire.

NOT too shabby.

On the 4th of July my dear friend Vikki's spirit visited me.

DRUNK. like she always was. Pop-pops & i went to his Favourite Fav. Pizza place. it's the Star Wars arcade game that draws us back - plus they have a legit yum salad bar and i've learned to love beets because of this restaurant/Pizza Parlour....anywhooo  he had his little handful of quarters and here comes the spirit of Vikki in a red white & blue tie dye tank top... asks me if that was my kid...then gives him a big handful of quarters...she gave it to me to give to him. i thought wow(!) how nice,  then she came back and gave me around six dollars more In quarters and a few dimes - she was in a hurry,  drunkenly said she wouldn't be able to use them (???)... then she suddenly left. Vikki totally would have done something like that for my kid. She was kind, generous to a fault, always smiling and always loaded. She  laughed the most out of anybody i've ever known because she genuinely FOUND things to be funny. also she used her laughter to cover her insecurities. Vikki is heavy on my mind and since it was just the 4th of July yesterday and it involves the American Flag: i think it is totally fitting that i should tell you one of the more harrowing yet hilarious stories Vikki ever told me about herself. Not only was Vikki a raging alcholic (since we were sophomores in high school maybe sooner)  she also had wanderlust and a bad drug habit. Whatever drug. She'd tried it, used it then probably abused it....she said the WORST addiction was cigarettes as far as cravings, but i think alcohol was her worst: Magnum Beer/malt liquor, and towards the end Schnapps...Vikki was most tragically a single mother, she had a little boy. And when he was a baby she found herself in Colorado in the winter w/a fucked up boyfriend she needed to get away from so she decided to hitchhike. Big Mistake (duh!) she got in the car with a criminal...he had drugs in the trunk and he raped her. this is the chillingest part of my love and admiration for her: she said,  "it was no big deal, i was just worried about my kid." so she ran from this guy and ended up in a strange town in the freezing cold winter with her baby boy. she broke into a men's club, like the elk's or moose lodge....and since she had nothing on her she had to wrap her little baby boy in their american flag!! later after she had warmed up, her boy snug wrapped up in red white & blue, she walked around the neighborhood and knocked on doors because she neeeeeeded a cigarette (which was why she thought cigarettes were the most addictive things ever)She got herself into some very sketchy situations but she was Street Smart enuf to get herself out of them. Vikki was wildly daredevilish and brave. 
God Love Her! she was my best my most drunk, loveliest friend who died of consumption in her late thirties. 
She was a good mother and an angry daughter and a blast/trip!! Happy Fourth of July Vikki! I love you, girl!! 

all three of my kids sometime this year.

fuck me running!! i CANNOT believe my luck with these offsprings of mine!! they are ( first of all ) - kind hearted and polite (the littlest one needs to work on his wild. we Both do) second of all - all three are verry pretty to look at...Healthy as horses w/their beautifully  healthy bodies that are carrying them thru their sweet happy lives. One of them is off learning languages and travelling the world, one is working hard & makin' Big tips, also: learning she Is where's she's supposed to be. me & Pop-pops are thick as theives right now which is excellent.
  Collectively AWEsome as fuck that they all came outta me!!

Yo! Girl of Approval, i lit a candle for your man. i've been reading all that you've been writing on that caring bridge of his and it is HEARTBREAKING. good for you for writing it all out so that peeps can know what you are going thru. sending good healing angels and vibes and all that i can muster your guys' way!!

TOO much groceries is makin' me FAT

all these are

copied offa my tumblr account.  and by fat i mean phat. even though that's not a very hip/"with it" word right now -  i'm pretty much very phat. and by groceries i mean cool/interesting things to look at.

AT LEAST i just got FUCKED Up the EAR by tumblr~!!!!

so i haven't quite figured tumblr Out completely...it's all about re-blogging what you think is cool and following other people right?(confusingly, someone decided to follow me even tho i don't know where i'm goin'). i don't even know what i'm doing on that tumblr account of mine, i'm a rule breaker, i think cuz i copy and paste and apropriate all willy nilly when some people on tumblr are all offended by that but fuck it- i'm just being a looky loo copycat. and i've got that one follower who's got a cool name: aestheticallyvigilant...anywhooo  it's important to add this: my fucken dino desktop soundcard is DEAD. no headphones no speakers no nuthin'...so it sucks when there's a tumblr post of a song i want to listen to. Luckily that's a total fucken 1st world prob & i have a lil decrepit netbook with a duct taped cord taped into the port at a certain angle - the sound on it works, which is all that really matters... to make a long random story short (or even longer, who knows) -  i love the copy & paste/here's a tumblr paragraph that was bugging me..(which led to a sound glitch electronic HONK that turned my hearing inside out for a minute) please listen to the song because i cannot! - ever since (fuck a duck) my decrepit netbook  Froze and i had to pull the plug.

sociopathsinlove reblogged pervyanon:

pervyanon:

The first time I ever heard this song I was riding in a car with this girl I didn’t know very well and it was super awkward and quiet and then this song came on and I didn’t know at all what it was but I hated it and then the girl driving the car started softly whispering the lyrics to it with this extremely serious poker face on and then slowly she got louder and louder and it was so horribly awkward and uncomfortable because she was just sitting there singing this like it was her message to the world or something and I just sat there praying that the song would end but it didn’t for what felt like eternity because this song is frickin 7 minutes long or something so I just sat there gripping the seat as she basically cried along with the lyrics and eventually it ended and the rest of the car ride was in silence as she stared steadily ahead as if that epic power ballad had never occurred and I was like wow that was uncomfortable and then days went by and they turned into weeks and I found that I just couldn’t get this frickin’ song out of my head, like everywhere I went I’d hear the girl’s voice softly whimpering out the lyrics and it drove me mad to the point where I went and downloaded it and then I listened to it through thinking yes this will rid me of this cursed song but it was still there and so I listened to it again and again and again and then suddenly after my 49th play I realized it wasn’t so bad and I actually started to like it and by the 340th play I was madly in love with this song and I found myself playing it around the house and on my ipod and whenever I ride with someone in my car I’ll play it and before I know it I’ll start softly whispering the lyrics, my extremely serious poker face on….

#audio post

i was dying to know what the song was.  fucken tumblr.

My Poppity Pops turned motherfucken SEVEN years old already!

Spoke toooo soon. i totally made the team!

why do i always gotta doubt myself first? bad habit. also not blogging in forever is a bad habit. Now i gotta be all bragdocious about the theater company i been keeping and fill you in on ALL  KINDSA Truth & Beauty! We were in an original Chumash Indian play performed for Tribal Elders and learned Indian songs!! Pretty amazing historical experience! .Pop-pops made his stage debut and got to wear Chumash Regalia, i was the narrator who was also the great great great great great granddaughter of Maria Solares (that's her pictured above)
who kinda single handedly preserved her peoples culture... it was super lovely live theatrical to be in this play with my kid. A friend from high school wrote it... so it was absolutely like an afterschool special about believing in your dreams and believing in yourself & shit!! mounting an original work all professional w/professional peeps is Wonderful. also: one of my monologues got picked for a "mono-slam" in North Hollywood so i went there and performed it and didn't win but man Those lights were bright HOT in that seeedy lil theatre and i Loved struttin' my stuff!  I am now up to Bus Lady #7 at The No Shame Theatre here in SLO. It is soooo much easier getting a laugh in SLO than it is to get a laugh in NoHo.... So yeah....Yeah YEAH yeah. I made the Thespian Team.
Hurrah!!...


(aand scene)

THOUGHT for the day(s)

i have GOT to step up my game!!!! (only i didn't make The Team)

i Put that second beer in the freezer Just to be fussy!

Kinda PISSED Off About MY Blog!!!!

i don't know how this happened but i've been lookin' at some old posts that some peeps on the feedjit live thingamabob have been looking at....some of MY words have been all highLit and put on some bullshit powertext linking thing! i never authorized this!! it's distracting. it's an INvasion!! WHO said this can be done?? WHO did it?? WTF????

i have become a Morgan Freemanist

i have totally opened myself up to his teachings. i listen to him carefully. i want to find out about his life and philosophy.. then copy his ways and try to be just  like him. i'm verrry inspired!! i love him. love the way he talks. the way he acts and especially how cool he looks in shades. he keeps appearing to me...giving me good guidance/advice. so i've been listening pretty intently. watching 'Driving Miss Daisy' as if he's driving me safely to church where i listen to his gospel, Believe if  i apply it to myself - my life will be
soooo much better. i feel like i've actually known Morgan Freeman for a really long time ever since i watched Shawshank Redemption so many times. i'm not newly converted/crazy about him but i kinda am because of a special on the Oprah Winfrey channel in which he said he was so broke he was surviving on stale donuts and unemployment checks. humble beginnings always Get me where it counts. i'm always humble beginning stuff. anyway. i'm All into him...and just wanted to document that here on my blog.
 hello?

 Hello?

Morgan Freeman called and he's asking for me...

by Changapeluda

my favourite phrase to say out loud (because i had said it in my mind SOoo too many times)

"FUCK A DUCK!!"   i say it whenever i want. Sometimes i literally mean it, as in
"Go fuck a duck if you've got nothin' better to do than BUG the fuck out of me right now!!!!!"  the other day i was walking the streets downtown with a neck ache...i had tilted my head back  tryin' to massage the pain and right when i tilted my head forward, i  totally blurted it Out and into a holiday shopper's  face..Fuck a duck!  Poor guy, i think i scared him. 

i been itching to write something verrrry delicately....a note to a deadman

on Facebook! wtf but here it is...i didn't post it there at first because i got weirded out by myself remembering my favourite college professor (which is why it's over-edited cuz i always wanted to impress him)Sooo fondly lovingly emotional Sappily...my explanation is that i'm still raw over this and i Always get fucken buyer's remorse!!

Dear Joel,
    so i Totally  CHOPPED my son's hair off...not me, personally (it was the witchy woman at Supercuts w/super straight bottle black hair, the non-smiler as she sheared it off) Joel! i Really really liked his long hair!
@4am i was sleepless w/Recriminations - sad! i was beating myself up remembering all those scenes in all those damn movies set in the goddam 60's - 19yr old loveflowerchild getting beautiful locks Shorn in the army barber's chair.  i fell asleep to my son's big eyes filling up w/salty tears  - telling me his hair had kept him Warm! ugh! i was crying, too &  i know that's silly but i was feeling mighty bad about it when  There you were! you popped up in my worrywart mother's mind w/that Buzz Cut you sported the 2nd yr i ever knew you...that haircut was so cute! all spritely!  it made you look.. different/younger.. somehow; wilder. You came to me but not in a dream only better. Thanx old favourite writing teacher of mine.

Love,
ChangaPeluda

Fuck You, Santa!!! (how i bloodboilingly hate the holidays!!!)

so in honor of the cocksucking yuletide: some POETRY!

How Is Your Heart? by Charles Bukowski

during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment-
I wouldn't call it
happiness-
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade-
this was the craziest kind of
contentment

and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror-
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.

Legally supervised babydaddy visit resulted in a sanctioned haircut

but only the bangs! wtf....so i posed him as Jane Fonda getting arrested  in protest

i love me some internetz tonite

if ever there was a loneliness obliterater...facebook is it. fuck, i keep in touch with people i don't even know! weird!! And if you are a person that i already Love and you're on facebook: TWICE as nice. Obscure people from my past even. My own kid!! this is so awesome ( & i know, i know it's Just the internet, it's not Real [so i've heard])
 G...who had dropped his page when he flew off to Heidelberg ..he just added himself back in and i couldn't be a happier mom to see his face!
 the person on the monitor is my Brizz Bitch...from the apartments i used to live in. She's moving to Central California and i'm sure going to miss her...she's got Live and Let Die tatted right above her tits. I loved being  this girl's neighbor. and now we get to stay friends on facebook. amazing...i hope i don't ever stop tripping out on that

this shadow is totally haunting me!

strange shadows on my door

so this kinda scares me....it was so vivid and sad. i feel as if i captured some sort of creature with pretty eyes and a Stephen King/Dr. Suess nose. 

i keep checking in

to see if a certain someone has been interested in my weblog and Apparently - he doesn't give a shit.

Don't you know..they're talkin' 'bout a Revolution, son....

i saw the UC Davis kids all lined up on the curb getting pepper sprayed.. defenseless - their arms locked, sitting subdued in a line....some of them had their hoodies up and that fucken cop was just strolling along emitting his poison right in their faces... i thought maybe that their hoodies might have trapped the pepper spray in. It was the reaction of their fellow students in the crowd that made me cry out in a helpless anguish. Nothing  could  be done to stop the senseless show of piggish power...why do cops have to be that way???

i feeeel

like a fat hairy lumpy piece of shit!!!!  with a hunchback & bad breath!!!

and for some reason i am enjoying myself...i may just apply for a job as a troll somewhere...is the pay good?? i bet they don't have dental.... you know that feeling when you fall down...hit the ground. don't know if you broke something and still want to laugh? that

11/11/11

this is becoming my number 1 trend! yeah my #1 blog! whoooop-di-dooo!!!! hAhahaha...funny. i added a feed counter thingy and i'm the only one reading my blog...hmph. i'm miffed and fine w/that at the same time because i am now a hunchbacked recluse w/a shitty attitude anyoldhow. i severed a buncha ties with my mean family....moved outta town and now i'm kinda lonely but not really.
also: i'm not aging very well

1-1-11

it's a new beginning - this late at night. i've decided to stop being such a worry wart and am blogging instead! hah! how do you like me now??