Now why in the fuck do i have to be hagridden by anxiety??!

it sucks the biggest green donkey dick..Ever. When and what will make me stop, hmm? i am the maker of my own destiny, am i not??  just needed to get that Out my system so i can come back here, read this - and shake myself. thank you very much

This is Don Chingon/Mr. Demanding Bossypants

after he bit a tomato and refused the peeled orange....ordering me to cut him some mango for his breakfast.

 so i did... and he didn't like that either.

this is kinda like a dream bike of mine

i been headblogging

1. & not electronically doing the deeeed. Today i took a buncha devil may care WET vibrant love pix in the rainsoaked streets of San Luis Obispo..i feel the need to share them w/whosoever shall remain coming to this ghost-town blog of mine. so Kinderpop-pops goes  half-day to a school 1.4 miles away from the apartment. rain or shine...on foot. i've got a few tricks up my sleeve when a five year old gets tired of walking...my main trick is bribery and 7/11 factors in quite a bit. we also do fun stuff like stash our vitamin water in weird squatty palm trees on the way there and pick it up on the way back. 
2. why is this numbered?? strange things happen to blogger dashboard when you get outta the habit of sorta semi-regular sporadical blogging
3. hmph!

pix i took today

G. had a senior recital that would/could and probably should knock your socks off

angels have been following me (still)

downtown today in a coffeeshop called Linnaea's that i've been frequenting since high school....i brought my angels along on a whim and drew in their chap books....i need to do stuff like this More Often.

Poe called it 'The Imp of Perversion'

Walking to pick up Pop-pops from school, going thru a crosswalk dangerously close to a car speeding on up, i thought to myself that maybe i wouldn't mind so much - getting run over. At the train station waiting for my mother's train to arrive...Pop-pops and i were sitting on a big cement bench, maybe ten feet away from the approaching train....i was transfixed by the machinery under the train and entertained the idea of my body on the rails. i was secretly thrilled that there were no officials around to stop me.. My thoughts are getting darker & darker; seriously maudlin things. Maybe it's the season. I blatantly hate X-mas and admitted that out loud today. Sorry Jesus. It's beyond my usual avoidance.. The neighbors invited Pop-pops over to help decorate and i overheard the mom reading out all their names on the stockings. i was kinda grossed out by all the tinsel and blinky cheap decorations...we have no stockings, nor do i want to purchase any. My childhood christmas crap got pilfered during the eviction process and i now have no desire to be jolly or deck the halls or fake a belief in Santa.... maybe it's my shitty attitude about most things that's taken an even shittier turn for the worse. hmph

our thanksgiving Sucked/one more reason to hate the holidays/ it's turning into fucking Dancing with the motherfucking Wolves over here!

 Zoe got ran over by the neighbor lady who drives a big huge suv and pulls out too fast (another neighbor lady has Yelled at her for it) but it was a total accident/ these things happen. She died within minutes. I had to help her out from under the vehicle and she bit my arm pretty good.. That was when i knew she was out of her mind and wasn't going to make it. so i layed down with her and i got to comfort her as best as i could, tell her how i was sorry that this happened to her and she got to hear how very much i loved her, that she was the best pearly girl ever....my mind got shocked into protective mode and i didn't want my extra-sensitive kid (oh Pooor Poppity!) to see her like that so i rushed to yet another neighbor lady with cop/emt skillz, left Zoe with her while i put Pop-pops in a shower w/dishsoap and asked him to wash his bathtub animals until we situated Z. Her lungs were crushed. She was so brave and didn't even whimper, really. She died with her eyes open...just like how i wanna die so they can close one and it looks like i'm winkin' at the funeral that i don't even wanna have. I called the humane society to come and pick her up but it being thanksgiving they were closed. the same w/Friday - wouldn't be able to come until today, Saturday! so i was out of my mind thinking of building a papoose for her, haul her to the back or maybe bury her myself down the way i didn't know What to do ....so our maintenance guy got called (i didn't wanna call him and ruin his holiday) he came on his motorcycle and cleaned Zoe up, closed her eyes and covered her up to her neck w/a spiderman blanket she used to lay on in the kitchen...the maintenance man thought it was a good idea for a boy to say goodbye to his dog, which i dreaded my Pop-pops having to do (sooo hard to tell him our girl was dead)....the maintenance man also thought it was a good idea to put Zoe into a recycle garbage can for Three days and leave her in there, in plain sight - Right in the front yard until the Animal Control people came ....well, the neighbor ladies and i were all Fuck That and we made a few phone calls..now Zoe is buried out in the country on a friend's private property... She was the best girl The Best deetiest dote dote i could have ever had, i couldn't have asked for a more beautiful or watchful loyal friend.

Addendum:
 i remember feeling manipulated and it was just tooo much that they killed Kevin Costner's dog in that movie.
and seriously is this something New this year that the Native American Indians were raped and pillaged by fucking pilgrims??!? how many enlightened articles on NPR (etc.)am i gonna have to read about that shit?!? too much to bear for this Changa. my head is about to break with my goddam heart. and guess what else? fuck me if it's not beginning to look a lot like Christmas.  

Que Viva La Zoe Pearl!!

Que Viva! The Best  most loyal friend, beautiful, sentient, funny, affectionate, greeter extraordinare, guardian, playmate, loneliness obliterator, most bitchen, helpful, bird snooty, gentle dog a girl like me was  lucky enuf to have for over 13 years. i love you Zeezy, my pearliest girl, and i will miss you Greatly. You will always be in my heart.

Pop-pops is a Kindergartner. and for the first few days he didn't like it one bit. said it was too HOT in there and that he wanted to go OUTSIDE but NOBODY would listen to him.which sucks if you think about it.  he didn't want to go back.

oh loookit the first of hundreds of manilas! yay...

Nana was here visiting from Arkansas and she got to chauffeur him to his first day of school  in puro style, aye....she sure did like that. and so did he, my schoolboy

i am one lucky son of a bitch!

Somebody gimme a congratulatory kiss!

G.'s brain (power) is Ginourmous

when i get to hang out with him (an incredibly sad amount)just being with him - listening to him

 i'm all a'marvel

i may change Happy's name to Grace

her first job as a waitress is teaching her So Much in the dealing with assholes department. she has a very pretty smile & she wouldn't let me Or her visiting nana pay for dinner

WILD Child

because i Encourage this (shit!)

down to a dumpster dive camera that still captures things in a saturatious blip

G. & Popperski (Pop-pops as a creepy little bank robber)

my sons/the brothers in downtown San Fran

i can just feeeel a mad crime spree comin' on!

San Francisco made me wanna write better/more posts

i told my biggest son, "remember when i used to write good [imho]posts?"  i fondly reminisced those san franciscan bloggities and so became inspired.

8-9-10!

is momentous fer me ( i hope whomever reads this makes it a commendable one for their own selves!)
Wooo Hoooo i am only transitionally homeless - & Technically they ask me to fill out my copious paper workingz as such because this apartment ain't Permanent housing so don't get too comfortable but that don't stop me from being grateful as all get-out....we got us a roof over our head; a place to park our tipi ( so to speak)

Aaahh just taking a shower in my own place feels soooo good.   I've decorated the living room with doors from our Old  house...which is a funky reminder but i'm okay with my recent past.

 If i don't think about it tooo much...and as for as the perp in my life? the domestic violence culprit dumb fucker bitch knows where i live. his best friend's brother just moved in next door in a small small isolated world...moving three towns away doesn't make me anymore safe or rid of the asshole. but ya  know what?
 fuck him... i don't give him much energy At All, we focus instead on gettin' Up on our feeet already....for example Pop-pops is all into yoga now!

and the Best news of all i've had in a loooong time:
after going thru what we just went thru & coming out alive on the other side - i have an even finer appreciation for ART, my mother and my children and my sister, a normal bed,  the funny, the fun and the good.

i'm just glad we are surviving homelessness & i now have a place i can walk around nekkid if i want

in the most celiBRATory mooood, reckless happy, the kinda mood that makes me wanna flirt w/the inappropriate just for the hell of it, eat SIX sesame balls (oh my goooodsnakes they are delish when burnt just a lil tiny bit), kisss my kids all kinds and make loud fart sounds on my poppa tote tote's back and arms and neck (he's my only kid who'll let me), so grateful and relieved/feelin' Soooo fucking BLESSED that:

 we have a place that's safe and Sound to lay our heads. Gracias a Tortilla Mary & the women's shelter of San Luis Obispo

Four months ago i was a goddam hobo!

and NOW

me & the kid (& Zoe Pearl) are livin' in some bitchen transitional apartments for the next 18 months if i'm good....hallelujah!

okay so now i'm learning the lyrics to Ave Maria

Staying with my friend who teaches American Sign Language. Her house is very Rooomy/way Nice; she's the most hospitable chick with a big boisterous family that just goes on (happily & normally)about their familial business. Zoe the dog is relaxed for the first time in 6 months! Pop-pops is being all squished & squishy! Things are Good Again so i  feel (when my friend who is letting us live w/her for a bit  - omg when she totally signs a song called Hallelujah in Soprano WITH HER HANDS)...Poppity Pops, Zoe Pearl and i are in the presence of  the most hopeful/comforting of angels, for real. It's very very Beautiful.

Sometimes my OUTLOOK is Unfocused

mostly when i'm fucking Stressed & worried as all Hell about a roof over our head

..but then, when i happen to look Thru it? Instead of (all the time) @ it - aforementioned Outlook expanded homeless schmomeless state of affairs...

[pretty cool lookin']

Justa Keep on Keepin' On