Saturday, August 18, 2007

I blame LittleFoot

At 7:30 the next morning (after the going away party) Pop-pops woke up. He knew something was Up. He was extra clingy, which takes some doing. Ohhh Brother, lovings. He did not want to be put down. So G. decides to put on The Land Before Time. The really sad dinosaur movie where the mother dies. And according to that selfish little bastard LittleFoot (her son) it was all her fault "She shoulda known better than to fight those Sharpteeth". I hate this fucking movie...The cute little dinosaur sees it's lengthened shadow and thinks it's his mom, chasing after her all happy to see her. Pathetic. I started stifling my sad tears right then and there. What a dope! It was like preparing for a prize fight in the boxing ring by engaging in a street fight just before. It didn't take much to knock my block off. Even this didn't cheer me None.

By the time I hugged him goodbye I was quaking....I've never fucking quaked before in my Whole Life. I wanted so bad not to cry. I wanted him to see me proud and in control. I wanted to be so happy for him that it would outweigh the sad. I wanted to feel strong. So I sobbed, instead. All that big talk about not being a pussy: out the window. Happy had said her goodbyes and gone back to sleep. Happy was sleeping on the job, in more ways than one. Even now, a week later, I'm still in the shittiest of moods. We talk on the phone daily, we e-mail and I visit his blog. But I still feel like there's something wrong with me. I keep mentally harping on the fact the fact that I didn't kiss him goodbye. Which made me mentally hopscotch to a story I sometimes mull over. In a macabre downward spiral....Happy went to the Museum of Tolerance and came away with this story I've inprinted in my brain of a young Jewish mother who was torn away from her baby boy. She was begging the guard who was holding him, "Please! just let me kiss him goodbye!"

You can sure as hell bet the next time I see G. A kiss on each cheek, the forehead, the chin and then pow right on the kisser. I didn't think that it would be this way. I didn't think it would be this hard. I thought that I would be okay. Or at least Not this much of a wimp. Huh, You learn somethin' new everyday.


knitsteel said...

Oh, that was a bad movie to watch.

Your kids are such treasures. You're an awesome mom.

Thanatos2424 said...

Don't be sad
Don't be sad

I love you

Beta Fishy said...

ugh! I am so sorry to hear that you are sad.

I am sending you big hugs across the internet.

the heartful blogger said...

You're only this sad cos you love him so much. To tell you the truth, if my Mom was't as upset as you are about my going away to college, I'd kick her ass.

Girl of Approval said...

For me, it was not the goodbye that mattered, but the staying in touch, the warmness when I returned home for a visit. At first it felt strange to be back, like I was a stranger since life has continued on without me there. I'd never not been with my parents so it was strange, but I think you're handling as well as most parents do.

Queer on Paper said...

Funny thing...I moved 1500 miles away from my family. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I look back and realize that I am closer now to my parents than I was when I was living in the same town or a few miles away. I am gonna call Mom right now...

Mathew Parkin said...

it is really hard, my mum rings me everyday, and my gran every-week, but I agree with queer on paper, I feel a lot closer to them now then I did before, and I value my mum more then I did
the holocaust story is so sad, I've heard it before maked me tearful
the top photo is so sweet
i send you internet based love
xx xx xx
p.s. I hate land before time as well, but my older brother loved it