Poe called it 'The Imp of Perversion'

Walking to pick up Pop-pops from school, going thru a crosswalk dangerously close to a car speeding on up, i thought to myself that maybe i wouldn't mind so much - getting run over. At the train station waiting for my mother's train to arrive...Pop-pops and i were sitting on a big cement bench, maybe ten feet away from the approaching train....i was transfixed by the machinery under the train and entertained the idea of my body on the rails. i was secretly thrilled that there were no officials around to stop me.. My thoughts are getting darker & darker; seriously maudlin things. Maybe it's the season. I blatantly hate X-mas and admitted that out loud today. Sorry Jesus. It's beyond my usual avoidance.. The neighbors invited Pop-pops over to help decorate and i overheard the mom reading out all their names on the stockings. i was kinda grossed out by all the tinsel and blinky cheap decorations...we have no stockings, nor do i want to purchase any. My childhood christmas crap got pilfered during the eviction process and i now have no desire to be jolly or deck the halls or fake a belief in Santa.... maybe it's my shitty attitude about most things that's taken an even shittier turn for the worse. hmph

our thanksgiving Sucked/one more reason to hate the holidays/ it's turning into fucking Dancing with the motherfucking Wolves over here!

 Zoe got ran over by the neighbor lady who drives a big huge suv and pulls out too fast (another neighbor lady has Yelled at her for it) but it was a total accident/ these things happen. She died within minutes. I had to help her out from under the vehicle and she bit my arm pretty good.. That was when i knew she was out of her mind and wasn't going to make it. so i layed down with her and i got to comfort her as best as i could, tell her how i was sorry that this happened to her and she got to hear how very much i loved her, that she was the best pearly girl ever....my mind got shocked into protective mode and i didn't want my extra-sensitive kid (oh Pooor Poppity!) to see her like that so i rushed to yet another neighbor lady with cop/emt skillz, left Zoe with her while i put Pop-pops in a shower w/dishsoap and asked him to wash his bathtub animals until we situated Z. Her lungs were crushed. She was so brave and didn't even whimper, really. She died with her eyes open...just like how i wanna die so they can close one and it looks like i'm winkin' at the funeral that i don't even wanna have. I called the humane society to come and pick her up but it being thanksgiving they were closed. the same w/Friday - wouldn't be able to come until today, Saturday! so i was out of my mind thinking of building a papoose for her, haul her to the back or maybe bury her myself down the way i didn't know What to do ....so our maintenance guy got called (i didn't wanna call him and ruin his holiday) he came on his motorcycle and cleaned Zoe up, closed her eyes and covered her up to her neck w/a spiderman blanket she used to lay on in the kitchen...the maintenance man thought it was a good idea for a boy to say goodbye to his dog, which i dreaded my Pop-pops having to do (sooo hard to tell him our girl was dead)....the maintenance man also thought it was a good idea to put Zoe into a recycle garbage can for Three days and leave her in there, in plain sight - Right in the front yard until the Animal Control people came ....well, the neighbor ladies and i were all Fuck That and we made a few phone calls..now Zoe is buried out in the country on a friend's private property... She was the best girl The Best deetiest dote dote i could have ever had, i couldn't have asked for a more beautiful or watchful loyal friend.

Addendum:
 i remember feeling manipulated and it was just tooo much that they killed Kevin Costner's dog in that movie.
and seriously is this something New this year that the Native American Indians were raped and pillaged by fucking pilgrims??!? how many enlightened articles on NPR (etc.)am i gonna have to read about that shit?!? too much to bear for this Changa. my head is about to break with my goddam heart. and guess what else? fuck me if it's not beginning to look a lot like Christmas.  

Que Viva La Zoe Pearl!!

Que Viva! The Best  most loyal friend, beautiful, sentient, funny, affectionate, greeter extraordinare, guardian, playmate, loneliness obliterator, most bitchen, helpful, bird snooty, gentle dog a girl like me was  lucky enuf to have for over 13 years. i love you Zeezy, my pearliest girl, and i will miss you Greatly. You will always be in my heart.

Pop-pops is a Kindergartner. and for the first few days he didn't like it one bit. said it was too HOT in there and that he wanted to go OUTSIDE but NOBODY would listen to him.which sucks if you think about it.  he didn't want to go back.

oh loookit the first of hundreds of manilas! yay...

Nana was here visiting from Arkansas and she got to chauffeur him to his first day of school  in puro style, aye....she sure did like that. and so did he, my schoolboy

i am one lucky son of a bitch!

Somebody gimme a congratulatory kiss!

G.'s brain (power) is Ginourmous

when i get to hang out with him (an incredibly sad amount)just being with him - listening to him

 i'm all a'marvel

i may change Happy's name to Grace

her first job as a waitress is teaching her So Much in the dealing with assholes department. she has a very pretty smile & she wouldn't let me Or her visiting nana pay for dinner

WILD Child

because i Encourage this (shit!)

down to a dumpster dive camera that still captures things in a saturatious blip

G. & Popperski (Pop-pops as a creepy little bank robber)

my sons/the brothers in downtown San Fran

i can just feeeel a mad crime spree comin' on!

San Francisco made me wanna write better/more posts

i told my biggest son, "remember when i used to write good [imho]posts?"  i fondly reminisced those san franciscan bloggities and so became inspired.

8-9-10!

is momentous fer me ( i hope whomever reads this makes it a commendable one for their own selves!)
Wooo Hoooo i am only transitionally homeless - & Technically they ask me to fill out my copious paper workingz as such because this apartment ain't Permanent housing so don't get too comfortable but that don't stop me from being grateful as all get-out....we got us a roof over our head; a place to park our tipi ( so to speak)

Aaahh just taking a shower in my own place feels soooo good.   I've decorated the living room with doors from our Old  house...which is a funky reminder but i'm okay with my recent past.

 If i don't think about it tooo much...and as for as the perp in my life? the domestic violence culprit dumb fucker bitch knows where i live. his best friend's brother just moved in next door in a small small isolated world...moving three towns away doesn't make me anymore safe or rid of the asshole. but ya  know what?
 fuck him... i don't give him much energy At All, we focus instead on gettin' Up on our feeet already....for example Pop-pops is all into yoga now!

and the Best news of all i've had in a loooong time:
after going thru what we just went thru & coming out alive on the other side - i have an even finer appreciation for ART, my mother and my children and my sister, a normal bed,  the funny, the fun and the good.

i'm just glad we are surviving homelessness & i now have a place i can walk around nekkid if i want

in the most celiBRATory mooood, reckless happy, the kinda mood that makes me wanna flirt w/the inappropriate just for the hell of it, eat SIX sesame balls (oh my goooodsnakes they are delish when burnt just a lil tiny bit), kisss my kids all kinds and make loud fart sounds on my poppa tote tote's back and arms and neck (he's my only kid who'll let me), so grateful and relieved/feelin' Soooo fucking BLESSED that:

 we have a place that's safe and Sound to lay our heads. Gracias a Tortilla Mary & the women's shelter of San Luis Obispo

Four months ago i was a goddam hobo!

and NOW

me & the kid (& Zoe Pearl) are livin' in some bitchen transitional apartments for the next 18 months if i'm good....hallelujah!

okay so now i'm learning the lyrics to Ave Maria

Staying with my friend who teaches American Sign Language. Her house is very Rooomy/way Nice; she's the most hospitable chick with a big boisterous family that just goes on (happily & normally)about their familial business. Zoe the dog is relaxed for the first time in 6 months! Pop-pops is being all squished & squishy! Things are Good Again so i  feel (when my friend who is letting us live w/her for a bit  - omg when she totally signs a song called Hallelujah in Soprano WITH HER HANDS)...Poppity Pops, Zoe Pearl and i are in the presence of  the most hopeful/comforting of angels, for real. It's very very Beautiful.

Sometimes my OUTLOOK is Unfocused

mostly when i'm fucking Stressed & worried as all Hell about a roof over our head

..but then, when i happen to look Thru it? Instead of (all the time) @ it - aforementioned Outlook expanded homeless schmomeless state of affairs...

[pretty cool lookin']

Justa Keep on Keepin' On

Fuck YOU, Homelessness!!! & you can KISS my ASS!!

OH! this kid of mine! Thank you, Tortilla Mary

for letting me be his mother. i Love him SO! from the top of his cowlicked head to the tips of his dancing dirty little bare feetz

amen.

Spilt Coffeeman

knocked my mug over onto a paper plate and There he was! sometimes art is accidental embelished. that's how we roll around here, plus i keep spillin' my damn coffee!! travel mugs with no handles that are Tall and cylindrical are Not a good idea. but i do Love coffee....

The Bus! The busss the bus the bus the busss & how we still love it

How YOU doooooinn??

It's Saturday night, ya'll & this is where i am:
the more times i've rolled one of them goddam rolling suitcases like a vagrant...the higher my chin got!  also: it helps when i picked out the slutty animal print suitcases....i've been dabbling in the self portraiture otra ves which is taking me longer to get the hang of. and i still highly recommend it. just to see where you're At.

You gotta have Hope!

night time in the Gypsy Wagon. i like to think i'm a good cozymaker....

i bought this video on a whim plus it was only ninety cents. Bob Hope Bloopers! omg, i laughed so hard. Angie Dickenson is crazy sexy, don't you think??

while i'm not quite freeeee to say this: i might be learning to be @ home

wherever the Fuck I Am! ha....and can feel the sun setting on a time of trial but i Don't wanna jinx myself

do i feeel as insecure as i sound cuz you don't know the half of it!

soundtrack to our days right now

1. i can see clearly now the rain is gone
2. everything is comin' our way
3. i got a brand new pair of rollerskates AND a tiger by the tail (it's plain ta see!)
4. take this job and shove it
5. baby got back/gimme one reason to stay here- mash up

& i saved the best for last:
#6 - Amazing Grace

i LIKE being easily pleased by the mundane (it organizes my jitters sometimes)

I've been keeping a secret

And it's a doooozey!!

something i've been looking to come clean about for months now. i just figured out not two minutes ago that it's stunting my growth, aye. For real. everytime i think about writing almost anywhere i think: "oh fuck, i gotta write about That." i gotta get it out of my system so here it goes. at the baseline & i'm going to just blurt it out in all of it's ghetto gutwrench - my youngest's babydaddy thought it was a good idea to try to beat me Up at the storage unit. With our child strapped in his carseat in a front row seat,  First he went to strangle me but i couldn't let Pop-pops see that happen so i curled away from him and ended up getting punched viciously in the back and side. As far as beatings go, i think my sister could have caused more damage -although it was still scary as hell for the loooose cannon aspect of it. his kid yelling at him to stop was what saved me. that and i called
9-1-1 -  in Nipomo that means the sherriff and the highway patrol showed up.  so we had to deal with the

po-po asking All Kindsa questions and him lying and saying he may have pushed me. after so much dishonesty w/the he said part of the he said she said i looked Up (ha!) and saw the storage units' surveillance camera pointed Directly at my mother's storage. i pointed it out to the nosy copper and told him the proof is in the pudding. they slapped the handcuffs on and Pop-pops saw his hero get arrested... it was like a Criminal Intent episode...i am now a member of the special victims unit. it sucks but it's also me bottoming out which involves me seeking sanctuary from so much more than Domestic Violence. In with this snow/shitballing;  all this homeless BULLshit and crying too much about it... brought me to the Women's Shelter. Their legal department first because i have to now deal with scary shit like 3yr restraining orders against an Angry angry man...but Something very important happened at The Women's Shelter: The women that work there took us under their wings. Which has been an amazing grace. so fucking sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I tore that song out of an old piano book. I'm learning the 2nd verse by heart. Did you know the very last sentence to that second verse is this:

"And Grace shall lead me home"? it is. and this is the hour i first believe. Even though it's gotten this awful, just me getting it out of my head on here....is a big step. And i just took it.

moonshadows, angels keep following us even to the beach & i'll try not to keep going here

on January 9th, 2010

i acknowledged/got mentally checkmarked as the first day we made it all the way through WITHOUT me crying. not even once.

There are places i'd love to GO

the first one that popped into my head (so i'm gonna just gonna go with it) Memphis to see Al Green preach this time.
i'd love to go to Tepec, Mexico because they got some fantasmic cactus there... Arkansas to see my big sister & her mother and Mine of course but now it's her turn to be the goood daughter. i wanna be Bad (just like Michael Jackson minus the dead part & pervy white-out monkey cray cray) Brooklyn - to see an old theatre geeek college roommate.   i'm always game to hit Big Sur on my way to San Francisco....

but there are some places i Do Not want to go.

i don't want to go back to the house where we used to all live. i hurt my own heart by mentally letting myself go there, even a little bit. and i sure as Hell don't wanna go back to the projects, neither! mostly - lately - i wanna go where we feel welcome; at home where there are no worries we'll be asked or want to leave. for the last six months i've been as nice as i know how to be, i've followed so many rules, tried to contain all of our rambunctiousnesses - as we slept on people's couches, rented out a room, now currently bartering a place to park our gypsywagon...i've been as fair as can be, even overly generous, i've worked my ass off to be of use. and still wherever we go,

we are not in a longterm fold, definitely temporary/transient reluctant short-timers.

My Life is Strange and Beautiful and HARD but i love the FUCK out of It

G. came back to Nipomo for a smidge of his winter break; while it wasn't exactly what Any of us imagined/wanted or would have liked (it sucked), i made the most of it. This is the mantle in a granny house i'm re-newing in a barter for rent arrangement. Only we're just parking the gypsy wagon in the driveway. For the holidays i tried to jazz things up and pretty much failed. we are all, however,  figuring out that it's a Good thing my kids love me no matter what.

Corn POP-pops Picker & i'd say this is More than double tasking!

no matter how hard i want to believe/convince myself

that technically we are Not homeless...i am still not at home.

so i romanticize it As Much as possible. for example,  in any romantical situation the girl almost always gendertypingly weeeeps, right? and when i do....my hero, my night in shining armour, the little man known around here as Pop-pops - swoooops down, hugs me tight & tells me Not to cry..that he is a Superhero! that Loookit we have a home on Wheeeels that can go places....

Today, in spite of everything: i feeeel like a Really Good Mother

or maybe it's Because of everything. Sometimes it's my saving grace.

Motel numero seis & One of the perks of bein' without a proper home

my hotel lovin' bug-a-booo and i stay at the motel 6 or any other cheap Inn we can find....for One nite, every once ina while.. - oh we get to sleeeep in a real bed, get a bucket of ice, take nice looooong showers, have ourselves an over-all delicious, transiently nutritious re-bootajuvinationz. Then as an added bonus i gain enuf strength in motel fortressed fortitude... allowing:
Changapeluda to somehow Re-Birth ourselves!

i just really like this picture

i love all the people in it....i don't even know that chick by the men's bathroom but she's got a beret on and i love her, too! i love all the fooood, the money caught in this digital click. it makes me feel like a fat cat,

 rich and sated. my mother and my two sons bring that out in me.  i like to think we all bring it out in each other.

So if you're gonna be stranded

because the bus system for Rural California stops working on the motherfucking weekends -

Shell Beach is the place to do it!